Lack Of

Today I feel inspired by the shear lack of inspiration. The lack of inspiration means I have disconnected from that source of muses for a moment and I find myself in a void. However upon that realization I found inspiration. I dialed in, and got connected…

No Number

(no number)

I know who you are…

What goes through your mind when you call? Then hang up?

What do you think about? What have you thought about?

(no number)

It appears again each day… and I know who you are.

I know what goes through my mind, but why hang up?

What I think about runs deeper, than you knew…

(no number)

Courage to say the least? A simple hello?

Is it that bad?

You think you know me, but you don’t.

Seeing what you wanted and still do… perhaps?

(no number)

It appears on my phone, blocked digits…

Yet I know who you are…

SATC

I do not think I have ever been so drawn into a show and I am still trying to figure out why. I had only mentioned to my friends that I saw only one season, but the truth is I saw both season three and four this entire weekend. The first day, Saturday, I had nightmares, mainly because I saw episodes dealing with what it is like to live with someone. I was jumping off my couch yelling, “Oh my god, it’s just like that!!!” and other times where I felt sentimental. For some reason this show will make you question what you really want in a relationship and who you think you are. So why is happening to me? I am male, although in touch with effeminate qualities I tend to be a machista from time to time.

(tangent)
Although I need to see season one and two to understand the whole Carrie and Mr. Big relationship, which I don’t know if my heart can take it, to see him leave for Napa in season four, well you really got the sense Carrie was going to end up with him. Besides the point!
(tangent)

You really get drawn into the lives of these women who have nothing socially or economically in common with the majority of the real world, however women from all socioeconomic and racial backgrounds love this show. Perhaps it is the essence of how women think., they way they interact, and what they desire in life. You can find each of these women (which makes the show that much more complex) in everyone woman you meet. Carrie seems to be the balance between all four women, since she is the narrator. She is a bit of each of the women, along with her own issues. Charlotte and Miranda are the lady on the street, vixen in the bedroom, while Miranda is the macho protector of the bunch. Carrie I have to say is like some women I have dated, especially when it comes to thinking about my ex. But that’s another story.

I recommend to all men to watch this show before living with any woman, following by an intense week of detox. Then decide if you are really ready to live with that woman. I mean god, how much different if I had watch that show, I mean all six season before I lived with my ex. I think we might still be together. Actually not, but I would have been able to say with certain it was not on me. Although it was 50/50. Besides the point. This show is a primer to understanding women and men. I mean I saw episodes that I totally related to. Aden was an ass by the way. No more details I can’t handle it.

Is there detox rehab center for people who watch this show?

You really get a sense and understanding seeing this show about things you have lived though, HOWEVER I feel there are some women who could, mainly speaking about young women, who could base this show as real life and miss there is a lot of grey area that is not covered, and in fact the reactions of these woman are not always the best, but examples, nothing more. I could mention a few women who have watched this show and used it as real interpretation and not letting real life happen.

Why the hell did I write this?

Soemtimes

Sometimes…

Sometimes it is necessary to purge people from your life. Although not with bad intentions there are those who have poison in their own life that can infect you and deter you from your proper calling in life. They hid their emotional wounds but they appear nevertheless in the actions and reactions they do. This doesn’t mean they always have to remain absent, but that is something you decide at the right moment.

“We are damaged people thrown together”

(post-thought)
“It is important to keep in mind, if you need to purge or remove individuals from your life or if you are pushing away out of fear. Fear is a product of the ego, and sometimes when we encounter people who hurt our egos we fear them and ultimately push away. Be sure to know the difference before cutting anyone from your life.”

Sometimes it is necessary to remove yourself from those situations that are unhealthy, hurtful and painful. If addicted to these places of harm, we cannot truly see the damage until it is either too late or we have long removed ourselves from these situations. There are those who show us a place we can tend to bring ourselves down to. We start to share their personal hell, and it becomes our own.

“I looked into her eyes, and they said RUN!”

(post-thought)
When in any type of relationship that hurts more than common the case is that one feels more for one than the other, this is the addict vs. supplier or pusher scenario. Meaning if you love me I will do anything for you, just give me a little hit of your love or emotion. This is imbalance. Love or devotion to a relationship is a shared responsibility, when there is imbalance it is wise to remove yourself from that situation, more than often it will become if already not hurtful for both involved.

“We attract the same vibrations of energy we give out.” If you know you’re not ready for a relationship the people you attract will not be ready. If you are in a deep dark place in your life you will attract the same people who are in the same deep dark place to your life. If you want to love, yet you know nothing of it, you too will attract the same, someone who wants it however knows little. Just like courage which you only have after you have faced your fears. Like love you will only attract someone to teach you to love once you have taught yourself to love.

“Sometimes I try, others times I cry.”

(post-thought)
In my opinion opposites who attract will last longer. Do you really want to date yourself? There are commonalities that attract lovers, but in the long run would you rather have a friend who will teach you something new? Or teach you what you already know? I have been blessed with the women in my life who although we shared many things in common we were complete opposites. These are the lovers I learned the most from. Durability however is not based off of this rather the ability to communicate, share, open yourself, and truth. A lifemate is someone you can share your darkest secret with and they don’t blink, they love you for just the way you are.

Sometimes you try and try again with people and although they have claimed to changed in your eyes te you they haven’t. Their routine and reactions have only be refined and it doesn’t matter what you call them they are the same.

(tangent)
There seems to be a trend, more and more people are single longer in their life. Fifty years ago couples got married, women average age of 20, and men 23, yet now people do not get married till their 30’s often late 30’s. Can it be said that the extremist feminist movement has left a lot of women independent yet alone and the explosion in porn and sex industry has left men in a continuous search for perfect piece of ass? Have the roles changes so dramatically that men are more domesticated than women. The perfect example of this is, I grew up in the kitchen with my abuela, I know how to cook, yet everyone woman I know, with the exception of my mom, these days know nothing of cooking. Wasn’t the idea of feminist equality to have shared responsibility and equal treatment? Yet why are we so off balance?
(tangent)

Sometimes you express yourself with the best of intentions and hurt people whom unknowingly how to react to what you express. They turn something so simple into something so complex i.e. “a crush”.

(post-thought)
“The one who has the crush can complicate a crush by placing an expectation on the crush or the outcome.”

Although you don’t want to hurt those whom you need to distance yourself from, it is inevitable. They will ultimately feel a sense of abandonment and want to blame you for their hurt and perhaps you are in some way responsible, however if it feels unhealthy to you then you have to look after yourself. Distance over time can only heal, if done without the ego.

“Don’t justify or excuse yourself to no one.”

Sometimes we just need to be alone and do things alone. There is a difference between loneliness and being alone.

(tangent)
If you work in a professional environment then you should know work ethic, meaning you do not date those in the work place. If it doesn’t work out then you have created an uncomfortable work environment. The same ethic is applied to friends. Don’t date friends of friends, if it doesn’t work out then you have created odd feeling in what once was a sacred space called “friendship”. Unless the both of you agree from day one you will be getting married, then umm, use your best judgment. Now that I think about it, umm, fucking Portuguese!
(tangent)

“You can rent the space inside my mind, at least until the price comes to high.”

Sometimes you give so much there is nothing left to give, and you both feel you did everything you could, even though it is not true. Even though there are sometimes one gives more than the other, the other still feels like they gave it everything. Perhaps they did, at that moment.

“Words left unspoken left us so brittle there was so little left to give.”

Sometimes…


(post-thought)
You can burn all the photos, letters, trinkets, and delete all the emails. You remove everything material about the other person, yet... You change your address, buy new cloths, and learn something new, yet… The things that will always remain in both of you are feelings and emotions that brought you together. No matter if it were a lover, friend, or something simple as a glance across a busy subway train. Love tattoos your soul, which is the one thing you cannot remove or cover up. I once read that love is like fire, it will either keep you warm or burn down your house, yet I disagree with this. Love is an element all unto itself. As I have said before, love doesn’t hurt or burn, people do. We have complete control whether it warms us or burns our house down.

Anger

Anger is another way to say pain.

Anger although numbing it still hurts.

Anger like pain tells us we are alive even if unhealthy.

Anger is extreme.

Anger kills the body with subtlety and flames.

So how alone do you feel now?

Intoxicated

Can the addict be held accountable for the actions he does while intoxicated? Including things they did, said, or thought? If he commits a crime do we or should we punish the drug or the one abusing the drug?

Yes and no, we can hold accountable the person for taking the drugs in the first place. Yes because their actions were a result of taking the drug that lead them to commit, say, and think things that perhaps they shouldn’t have. And if they act on criminal instinct they are responsible. Yes because we can hold accountable the animal inside for being weak, and the only no because we all make mistakes once, this is coming out of rehab, the second time we deserve any consequences we create.

Another way of saying this is:

Can someone in love be held accountable for the actions they do while in love? Including things they said, did, or thought about their lover, friends, and family? If they fall so deeply in love do we punish them for being in love or chastise the act of falling love?

In this perspective we see how we have all committed the crime of falling for someone, however we are responsible for our actions no matter how love drunk we had become. We know before we fall in love with someone where it will lead because we should have a good idea of who the person is, however this is not always the case. People can lie about whom they really are. Falling in love is our responsibility, although we tend to loose all reason when we meet someone new, but perhaps we need moderation. Sometimes we fall so deeply in love, and speaking of only falling in love not true love, that we forget those who really care about us, love us, and worry for our holistic well being. Love is a drug, and we sometimes get addicted to its effects.

The analogy of staying out late and getting drunk only to wake the next morning do we realize, and sometimes not remember what we did the night before. We say to ourselves “ I did what?!” “With who?!” “I can’t believe I was so stupid!”. We swear to ourselves we will never drink again, but eventually we do, hopefully with moderation the next time. The same is true for love. We become love drunk and if and when it does not work out we find ourselves hung over asking those questions and seeing the damage if any that we have done. Usually there is.

The most common for any of us is we tend to forget our friends even if just for a moment, and a moment is already to long. If it is really bad we ignore our families more than we should. We also do things we swore we would never do, we sell out our hearts just for the attention the other gives us and we know its wrong. After eating menudo for the heart we realize the person we have hurt the most is ourselves by neglecting our very selves, our families, friends and our passions most dear to us.



This is my apology to my family, friends, art, and most importantly to myself. Although I can say it was the drugs (love) speaking. I take full responsibility for any moment I made you feel distant, abandoned, hurt, sad, or just the feeling like I didn’t care anymore.

The most I can hope for from this experience is to learn, learn love in moderation while maintaining an unselfish commitment to family and myself. I can say in this instance I never meant to hurt or abandon any friendship that I have been so blessed with.
Espero aprender, aprender amar con medida sin de ser egoísta con una promesa de amor a mis amigos y mi familia. Nunca jamás quise abandonarles, herirles, o lejarme de Uds.

For that alone I am sorry for the hurt, I can not apologize for the lesson I have learned as it is now my responsibility to make it well damn worth was has been, might have been lost to see inside what truly has been gained.

The ego only has as much power as we give it.

Puede ser que un adicto intoxicado debería ser responsable por sus acciones? Incluyendo todo lo que hizo, dijo, y pensó? Si haga un crimen debemos juzgar la droga que se tomo, o el pecador mismo?

Si y no, hay que ver la persona que se tomo la droga en primer lugar es responsable, si porque sus acciones fueron resultados por haberle tomado la droga. Si porque hay un animal dentro responsable, y lo único no es que todos somos seres humanos y en vez en cuando equivocamos. Mas que menos...

También podemos verlo de esa manera:

Es la persona enamorada responsable por sus acciones que hace durante el enamorarse? Incluyendo todo lo que hizo, dijo, y pensó por su amante, sus amigos, y su familia? Si esa persona haya caído tan profundamente enamorada juzgamos la persona o el acto del enamorares?

Viéndolo así, entendemos que todos hemos cometido el crimen de enamorarnos de alguien, sino somos responsables por todo que hacemos mientes que estemos pedos del amor. Sabemos hay que conocer la persona bien, aunque no siempre es así. A veces la gente miente. El enamorarse es nuestra responsabilidad, sin embargo a veces no podemos controlar la manera en que se cae. Aun difícil recuérdense el amor en medida siempre es mejor. A veces caemos tan profundamente enamoradas, hablando del enamorarse no del amor verdadero, nos olvida quienes somos, quienes nos quieren, y lo que nos importa más. El amor es una droga, y en cualquier momento nos hace adictos a sus efectos.

Parecido al estar borracho, despertando el siguiente día encontrándonos crudos, nos damos cuenta de todo los que hicimos la noche anterior, y a veces no. Nos digamos “Cabron, que hice?!” “Hijo de puta, no lo creo!” O “Que pendejada!” Nos juramos que jamás volvemos a hacerlo así otra vez, pero siempre llega la noche que si pero esa vez con medida. Lo mismo se debe hacer en los asuntos del amor. Emborrachamos del seno de Venus, y cuando no funcionan bien las cosas nos encontramos crudos, preguntando porque hay tanto daño. Y siempre hay.

Es común olvidarse de nuestros amigos, si solo por un instante eso ya es demasiado. Si pensamos con el ego, olvidamos de la familia mas de debemos, nos encontramos haciendo todo lo que ya nos hemos dicho que jamos haríamos, sino ahí estamos. El vender el corazón por un poquito amor ya es tarde. Solo después de haber comido menudo para el corazón podemos entender los porques. Sabemos que hemos lastimado a nuestra familia, amigos y más que alguien más nosotros mismos.

Así entonces eso es un lo siento a mi familia, amigos, arte y mi mismo. Podría decir que era el amor, pero no. Tomo a pecho todos los momentos en los cuales podría haberles herido. No los abandone y por eso lo siento.

Por eso lo siento por el duelo, sino por la enseñanza gracias. Espero que todo valió.

El ego no existe, y solo tiene el poder que le damos.

La Marcha!

The largest march of any of our lifetimes took place today, the 25th of March in the 2006th year of our lord. The see of brown flowed through the streets of Los Angeles. Simultaneously in my hometown of Denver, Colorado the same was under way.

The sleeper has awakened signs read as estimates up to 500,000 filled the streets of Los Angeles. “Un montón de gente” said one Spanish radio reporter.

Mayor Villaregosa gave a speech that moved the crowd. Dedications to Cesar Chavez and Rodulfo Corky Gonzalez were heard in the loud speakers, I gently holding back a tear remembering Denver.

The freeways we at a standstill as la raza converges on the over passed, the cars below honking and waving flags not only Mexican, but of every other pais, country, from latin America. Pride flags were waived

Groups of people came in groves, from their churches, student organizations, health centers and clinics. Asians, Blacks, Whites, and Arab marched through the streets.

The pigs had divided the march into three sections. Chanting from migrant workers saying they had come to live or die on this day.

As millions of people around the country have protested, the fate of HR4437 looms over us all.

The largest march in US history took place and I was part of it, documenting and remembering my brothers and sisters back in Colorado.

I was moved as I saw young girls walking with their mother to their car chanting, “Si Se Puede”. The march long over those three words stuck in their hearts forever.